Did everyone have a great Christmas? Did you Jews in my audience enjoy Valkyrie on the day of Jesus’ birth? Talk about a double whammy, Hollywood!
A fun and helpful exercise for the New Year is to focus your resolutions solely on your dating life. What do you want to improve? Have you wanted to date more six-foot blonde models? Well, then resolve to become a top earner. Or perhaps you’re yearning for the intimate graze of Marv Albert’s incisors across your back and need that little kick in the pants to start you on a path towards destiny (I know where he hangs out. Rawr.). The sky’s the limit! What would you like to eliminate? Guys, maybe you’re tired of getting drunk and sleeping with men, despite your constant avowals of heterosexuality. Resolve to get drunk less or remove the temptation by cutting out the Bravo Channel. Like cigarettes, coffee or misogyny, it’s easy to give up our bad habits if we create simple goals that aren’t ruined by some stupid bitch who can’t do anything right. Maybe you are already in a relationship and want to work towards being a better partner.
Below I’ve written up my own dating resolutions for 2009 to give you some inspiration. Enjoy. If these resolutions work out like they do any other year, you can look forward to a solid two and a half weeks of integrity, followed by a year of failure.
I resolve to ask out at least four girls on the subway in the month of January.
…to always have Astro-Glide on hand for the rest of my life, if only to help remove my wedding band.
…to start allowing myself to smoke post-coital cigarettes. I’m not going to ruin my voice and only when I am having Class A sex 20 times a day will I consider quitting.
…to finally meet the woman of my dreams, even if that means having less and less good dreams.
…to stop drinking to make myself more attractive. It probably wasn’t working anyway. Although drunk girls still remain very attractive.
…to stop Wikipedia’ing my favorite porn stars. It only prevents me from going outside and meeting a real girl.
…to stop wearing underwear. This way women will be better able to catch a whiff of my musk. Fewer barriers to musk saturation is key. Sometimes when I see the type of guy really hot women go for I am convinced that musk must be the most important factor in landing babes.
May 2009 be as amazing for the Giants as was 2008. Good luck and Godspeed in the New Year, friends.