Dating in New York City – Holding Hans with Brian Hansbury: Fantasy Football = No Fantasy

Q:  My boyfriend’s addiction to fantasy football has led to less sex and even more fights.  We met in the “off-season” so I had no idea this was coming.  I don’t get this stuff at all.  How do I get my boyfriend, who is in five of these stupid leagues, back?

Fantasy Widow

A: For guys who have even a modicum of interest in sport one of their top three dream jobs will always be the general manager of a sports franchise.  Sports news coverage has expanded (with the help of books like Money Ball) to daily evaluation of the actions of the GMs and there isn’t a guy on the planet who hasn’t thought he can do the job better.  And since there are only about 200 of these positions in American athletics, this impractical urge is sublimated through fantasy football.  Just be thankful he hasn’t quit his day job to scout for a Single-A baseball team.  After all, everyone needs a little escape from the mundane throb that is office work and as technology has advanced, fantasy has replaced FreeCell in this role.  The only reason Fantasy Porn Industry Mogul and Fantasy International Playboy/Down-Hill Skiing Gold Medalist (rounding out the top three jobs) don’t exist is because no one’s figured out how many points to award for a blow job.

You need to understand there’s no way you’re going to be able to change anything about this season.  Your relationship is doomed until January as your man is already committed to these leagues with dudes who are probably even more serious about fantasy than he is.  For him to back out of even one league would mean reneging on a contract considered more serious than blood-in blood-out.  It also behooves you to realize groups of friends (male and female) are essentially competition leagues anyway.  You find a group of people you are comfortable getting very angry with and undermining constantly and then you spend as much quality time with them as possible.  Fantasy football, in this sense, is just another medium for the casual hate-speech and cock-blocking that is close friendship.  Thus, guys are addicted to this stuff.  Think about it as if there was a Fantasy Shoe/Purse/Bathing Suit Ownership League.

Now that you understand something of the psychology of it you and your man can address slimming down his fantasy participation next year, but in the mean time I say when you can’t beat’em, join’em.  Football is awesome and you are a jerk for not liking it.  Watch game tape, pay attention to key injuries, stream that waiver wire on your iPhone and try your damnedest to help your boyfriend win his leagues.  There are often hundreds or even thousands of dollars to be won in these things (another big draw).  If you’re relationship is going to suffer, you might as well force your boyfriend to buy you shoes, purses and bathing suits with the winnings.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *