Dating in New York City – Holding Hans with Brian Hansbury: Lawnmower Man

Q:  I’m a pretty hairy dude.  I have extensive chest and back hair.  My girlfriend hates it and wishes I would at least do something about my back hair.  But she even wants me to maintain my pubic hair as well.  I want her to enjoy my body, but I don’t really have a problem with me as I am.  What do I do?

A:  Ah, compromise, the lynch-pin of any worthwhile relationship and long-time bread and butter of Henry Clay.  You don’t mind allowing the shrubbery to over-run the façade of the house and your girlfriend would much rather you consult with an immigrant skilled in the ways of front-porch manscaping.  Wherever shall the twain meet? Think about it this way.  Say you were dating a girl who had something off-putting about her body like a really heinous mole or nipple hair.  You would really, really, want to say something about it, but fear of hurting her feelings would most likely hold you back.  The reality of that nipple hair would then fester in your brain and become the only thing you could think about during coitus until eventually you were unable to perform.  Now your impotence is bringing down the relationship instead of her with her Chewbacca tits.  So, if you follow my logic train all the way to Awesome Pointsville I wouldn’t be surprised if, due to your head to toe Grecian carpeting, your girlfriend is totally repulsed by you and faking every orgasm.  I’m not sure how this works physiologically, but she might even be impotent.

Sure it was ballsy and potentially insulting for her to tell you something she didn’t like about you, but you should be encouraged that she even likes you enough to try and force you to do something that will make her like you even more.  Obviously the perfect solution is for you to go completely bald from the waist down and then shave a message of love into your back hair.  Try “Hair’s lookin’ at you,” or “I ain’t afraid a no ghosts,” if you can’t come up with something on your own.  If you make the effort to compromise now, you’ll temporarily gain a lot of leverage in the constant battle for position that is every relationship.

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