Dating in New York City – Holding Hans with Brian Hansbury: Hot or Not?

Dear Hans,

I’m cute. Why don’t guys talk to me when I am out? And when they do, why is it only the crazy ones?

Passed Over in Park Slope

Such a short question, but I’m already overwhelmed by suppositions. I don’t know if you are as cute as you say. I have many female friends and most of them complain about the non-stop attention they get from guys. My friends come in all shapes and sizes and varying levels of cuteness. To hear some of their stories it would seem that every toothless hag the world over gets approached constantly. Perhaps you have a very flattering mirror or friends who are nice to a fault, that fault being nurturing your false notion of attractiveness. I suggest signing yourself up for or finding a message board whose sole purpose is to rate the attractiveness of the previous poster. Recalibrating where you lie on the BMI (that’s the Baby Making Index) will allow for more realistic expectations when you head to a bar. And remember that if you are new to the city, your BMI is probably skewed less in your favor due to the higher frequency of attractive women in New York. If you’re job just transferred you to us from Toledo or in college you were the president of the Chi Omegas, “Hello, Little Fish,” and welcome to the big pond.

Now, in bar culture the less cute girls are doomed to engage with the bottom feeders. You may be just un-cute enough that you are perfect prey for every group of guys’ weird friend. This makes you an integral part of the bar ecosystem. Guys always have that weird friend. And before they go out, guys are always nervous that the weird friend is going to fudge up their game. By being as unattractive as you are, you build the weird guy’s confidence and he is less focused on cock-blocking his friends with strange behavior and more focused on taking you home to indulge his under-arm fetish. So, take heart in knowing that by taking one for the team as you do every weekend, you are guaranteeing a one night stand for two attractive people and possibly are in some small part responsible for attractive babies being born. Through your ugliness, you beautify our race.

Maybe I am all wrong. Maybe you are mega-hot and super smokin’ to the nth degree. A real Boner Whisperer. Then really, truly why aren’t guys approaching you? Maybe you are too cute. Intimidatingly cute. Guys could just be assuming you have a boyfriend or that your bitch force field is set to 11. Most girls act like total assholes in bars and, just as dogs have become domesticated over time, men have learned over the eons that really hot chicks at bars usually don’t want to talk to anyone unless they are a celebrity like Derek Jeter, Galileo or Jesus. But the real root cause of your being ignored is you are in a bar. There are many distractions in a singles bar, namely tons of other ladies and booze. Bars are one of the worst places to meet anyone worthwhile for anything besides sex. So, if your lamentations spring from being unable to pick up dudes for sex at a bar then I say, flip the script. A girl can literally walk up to most any guy in a bar and, if she wants to have sex with him, have sex with him. It’s seriously that easy. So, take some initiative. But, if it’s all as innocent as your question suggests and you really are just upset because a sorta decent guy doesn’t engage you in a semi-inane conversation at least once a weekend, then I sort of don’t feel sorry for you at all. Most people aren’t that great. You should feel blessed they aren’t bothering you.

Last question, do you have crazy eyes? Crazy eyes will scare the men away every time.
El Hans

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