Dating in New York City – Holding Hans with Brian Hansbury: Kept Man vs. Mr. Mom

Dear Hans,

I want to be a Mr. Mom. But I feel like this is an unattractive position to take while dating, especially in NYC. How do I find a woman who isn’t turned off by the fact that I don’t aspire to be the breadwinner?

Masculine Yet Maternal in Morningside

I’ve often wondered how I can receive all the benefits of being a kept man, yet manage to somehow avoid the loveless sex with a wrinkly socialite. Mr. Momhood is like having your checking account cake and not barfing all over it, too. Let’s review a comparison of what each job title entails:

Kept Man
1) Must be great in the sack while turning a blind eye to liver spots.
2) Cialis prescription a must, if only to achieve erection where otherwise impossible.
3) Must have cocktail party skills and be conversant in things rich, old Manhattanites like, such as divestment, the Met and racism.
4) Strong arms a must for carrying Bergdorf bags.
5) Hours: No set hours but must be on call most days with a mandatory love-making session scheduled every Sunday from 3:10pm – 3:20pm.
6) Compensation: $5,000 a week.

Mr. Mom
1) Must be great in the sack with your wife that you love.
2) Be willing to bum Cialis from a friend to make anniversaries that much sweeter.
3) Must play games all day with miniature versions of you.
4) Laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping (way better than cubicle work).
5) Hours: 24-7-365
6) Compensation: Awesome, well-adjusted kids who are probably better at sports and Guitar Hero than they would be if raised by a woman. Free everything plus children who will eventually grow up, providing financial support in old age.

Though in many ways being a Mr. Mom seems like an ideal existence, you are very correct in assuming that most women in NYC are not attracted to you. I hope your real name is Jesus or Herm Edwards, because in order to find an awesome, well-paid wife desirous of a trophy husband in this city of bitches you’ll need a miracle. I use the term “bitches” here to describe our female counterparts, Masculine. Believe it or not there are a lot of women out there with the same plan as us. These bitches toil away at some random job, all the while daydreaming that some finance whiz who isn’t too ugly falls in love with them, providing a lifetime of stability and 2.5 children. These bitches represent the majority of women in your dating demographic and their intentions are less altruistically pure. Their future children are a necessary evil to their free ride, responsible for stretch marks and a Xanax dependency. Our future children are an opportunity to fill the world with more of our effortlessly selfless awesome.

I really don’t have a good answer for you. Unbelievably, there seems to be a dearth of successful, young women who want a live-in Nanny that has sex with them. Go figure.

Insufficiently yours,
El Hans

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