Dating in New York City – Holding Hans with Brian Hansbury: Look Into My Eyes

Q: The guy I’m dating won’t make eye contact.  This would normally be a deal breaker, but he’s really hot otherwise.  How do I fix him?

A:  So, this guy you are dating seemingly does not enjoy the sight of your face, but this doesn’t faze you because you find aggressive Asperger’s Syndrome appealing.  Do I have this right?  This guy must be hotter than Simon Rex in a rub n’ tug video for you to put up with this awkward behavior.

To your partner’s credit there is a possibility his eye-lock aversion is cultural.  Native Americans consider it extremely rude to make continuous eye contact and Hispanics are wont to avoid gazing at superiors directly as a show of respect.  If your boyfriend is not Native American or Hispanic, however, he might be retarded.  And it’s okay to date the mentally handicapped.  You just can’t sleep with them.  It’s not part of their culture.

Senior year of college my friends sat down a buddy of ours to tell him if he wanted to get a finance job, he’d have to start making eye contact.  Now he’s got a great job and, wouldn’t you know it, beautiful eyes that I’d never truly appreciated until he manfully changed his viewing habits.  So, it’s entirely possible to fix your guy, but maybe first you should fix your face.  Here are some tips on the off chance you are not hideous:

Force him to look you in the eye.  Make a rule.  He is not allowed to kiss you unless his eyes are open.  Then you keep your eyes open as well throughout the lip lock, forcing him into a close-quarter stare down.  Sure, the intense awkwardness he begins to associate with intimacy may one day destroy your sex life, but at least he’ll be looking you in the eye when he tells you it’s over.

Force him to tan using a tanning bed and put eyeballs on the inside of those eye protector things they wear.  Not only will his fear of looking people in the eye subside, but your man will be tanner than George Hamilton.  And if he’s fat this is a big deal since everyone who’s fat and pale is gross, but everyone who’s fat and tan is somehow less offensive and gives off the air of having money.

Break his neck so that he is forced to wear a brace, thereby making it more difficult for him to avert your eyes.  This tip is self-explanatory and pretty obviously successful.

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