Holding Hans with Brian Hansbury: Mama Drama

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. It’s about that time where I would expect him to be popping the question and, well, I know why he hasn’t. I’m a Catholic and he’s a Jew. His family is quite intent on him marrying a Jewish girl and even though he loves me, it’s a lot of pressure for him to deal with. I’m willing to convert, but his mother has suggested that even this is not an option. What do I do?

A: I appreciate that in an election year you have reached across the aisle and placed in my lap one of the foremost hot button dating issues. Religious differences and love, like water and gremlins, are a volatile mix.

This response needs prefacing with the fact that El Hans is not religious. My beliefs are firmly rooted in the divine absurdity of chemical/physical randomness and as such my opinions may come off to the faithful as disrespectful, but don’t worry, I’m sure the homophobe who lives with his son in their cloud apartment in the sky will punish me for all eternity for said disrespect.

It’s sad when something made up (religion) gets in the way of something deep and real and sticky (love). In this situation, your only recourse seems to be the untimely death of your boyfriend’s mother or his choosing you over her (dead body). Since the former implicates you, let’s pursue how you might convince your boyfriend to abandon his mother

I’m going to first draw from personal experience. If your boyfriend is a halfway decent chap, he will be highly susceptible to one of womynkind’s all-time greatest ploys, the sudden pregnancy. Whether you’re actually pregnant or not doesn’t matter. What’s most important is the 72 hours following your announcement during which your boyfriend must consult his conscience. You can enhance his siding with you and your unborn child by really getting over the top.

Even though you are barely in your first trimester, put classical music on your iPod and tape the ear buds to your stomach. Especially do this at night in bed when he can hear, like sweet baby’s breath, the tinny strains of Vivaldi cooing to him from under the covers. His dreams will be filled with awkward moments like rescuing a puppy with your face from a Cruella de Vil version of his mother. Remember, all we are attempting is to tip his empathy/compassion scale slightly away from his mother and towards you (if you are not truly pregnant, you will need a doctor’s note apologetic of so heinous a misdiagnosis in order to avoid resentment and thus a tipping of the scales back in his mother’s favor).

If you’re not as vindictive as my ex-girlfriends, perhaps another approach is in order. It’s time to let your freak flag fly, girl. There is a reason why most gay men have been involved in a threesome – because they are men and all men love sex constantly all the time. The further sexualization of you and his domestic sphere as a whole will kibosh whatever latent Oedipal attachments his anti-Goy mother might engender with her overbearing showering of affection and food. Maximize your Freudian take down by having semi-nude glamour shots taken and hang them at eye level opposite the toilet. Be as liberal as possible in the bedroom to a point just short of asphyxiation, spinal trauma or death (unless he’s into any of those things, in which case, indulge him). Invite his friend Cindy from college, the one you were always wary of, over for Pictionary and vodka. Whenever it is your turn to draw, simply write, “I’m not wearing underwear,” and stare them both in the face.

Fear not for once these methods have successfully garnered you a ring you are clear to cease to have sex altogether if you so desire. In fact, he probably already expects this. There you have it – two foolproof methods for weaning your man off his religious mother and onto you. Trust me, I write an online dating column.

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