Dating in New York City – Holding Hans with Brian Hansbury: Sealed With A Kiss?

Dear Hans,

My boyfriend and I have just made things “official” after three months of dating. He’s the greatest guy I’ve ever dated and even though it’s early, I can definitely see a future with him. Unfortunately, he’s the worst kisser I’ve ever met. It’s like kissing a statue! We’re taking things slowly and I’m a little worried this problem will continue once we go from third to home. Is there any way someone can get better at kissing?

– S.L.

Dear S. L.,

Kudos to you and your man for your old-school prudishness. However, romance has long carried with it the fallacy of “the great personality” as if human coupling had anything to do with chivalry and nothing to do with deep, libidinous attraction.

Unfortunately for you, the lips (upstairs) are like the St. Louis Arch of sexuality, long considered by dating columnists to be the Gateway to the Genitals. Is your super thweet boyfriend worth keeping around if your sex is as doomed as the Donner Party? Using another geographic-y analogy we can say that your boyfriend is sort of like an aspiring Mexican immigrant. If he ever wants to reach the next level (America/awesome hot sex with you) he must desire to approach the border (Arizona/your lips) with an appropriate amount of passion and aggression. So, right now your boyfriend is sort of like a lazy Mexican. And that’s racist. And there’s nothing less sexy than racism.

When a great connection exists between two people who are sexually incompatible, that’s called a friendship. Without a “spark” there exists perpetually that same feeling you had when your best camp friend surprised you with an unwanted kiss at the end of summer ’94. Awkwardly, you feel like you just kissed your cool, new brother. And that awkwardness feeds in on itself until it affects everything from your sex life to your curt dinner conversations.

Kissing is the world’s least practice-able sport unless you’re a kiss slut. But since kiss sluts are usually drunk, I’m actually not sure that’s considered practice any more than working on your 200m butterfly time while hammered off red wine is considered practice (are you learning anything by licking someone’s mouth like an angry St. Bernard?)

You can certainly try to have a few training sessions with your guy, and that might even be fun until it inevitably ends in disappointment. You can tell him to relax, or to pretend he’s a gross porn actor, but I doubt things will change. I’m fairly certain bad kissing is endemic to bad sex-havers, people too inside their own heads to offer a nibble or a nudge, too cold to sweep a lover’s jaw-line with their nose while moistening their neck with some heavy breathing.

If you think he’s worth it, sure, put all your might into training him to be something he’s not. After all, that’s the only reason women enter relationships in the first place. If you can’t in good conscience pass this boy up, at least take heart in the fact that you’re not the first to sacrifice sexual fulfillment for something else (think Anna Nicole).

Just always remember another favorite axiom of dating columnists, “The mouth is the window to the soul.”
Good luck in your search for Genito-Compatibiliy!

-Hans

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