The dumbest little thing can cause drama in a relationship. Your boyfriend has a problem with your dog’s breath. You can’t agree on which brand of chili powder to use in your chili for the potluck beer pong tournament. The sex is the worst ever. It’s trivial minutiae like this that can undermine what is otherwise a perfect union.
2009 is going to be full of struggle, sacrifice and understanding if we want to see our relationships through the partially occluded lenses of 2010 New Year’s Eve glasses (How will they design those things anyway? Will the numbers be offset so that your eyes look through the zeros?). But as jobs are lost, nights out are clamped down on and boners become scarce, how can we allay the stress these troubled times cause in our relationships? Well, since you can’t afford to eat out anyway, cook together!
That’s right, sports fans. Cooking with your partner can be fun. And just like an overseas vacation or co-owning a pet, it’s a great way to discover, before it’s too late, if you secretly hate your significant other. Can she not dice for shit? Than you better not marry her. Does he lack any ability to properly zest an orange? Somebody isn’t going to be fathering your children. Regardless of how the food turns out, the process of making a meal will get you and your partner in the mood for cooperation. Healthy relationships are all about working together. And when we make food for one another we hit a primal nerve of appreciation. When you feed someone you give him or her the gift of life and his or her reciprocation should be equally rewarding. It’s how prostitution would work in a world without paper currency. You buy me a cheeseburger, Freak, and I’ll give you a hand-job in the car. And, yes, my basic belief is that romantic relationships are nothing more than monogamous prostitution.
So, fire up the stove, put on some Jack Johnson this weekend and make some banana pancakes. And remember, the couple that cooks for each other expects sexual favors in return.
(Was this the worst column I ever wrote? Write me to let me know!)