Q: My girlfriend is a vegetarian. For the past 3 years of our 5-year relationship, I have led her to believe that I am one as well. Secretly, whenever I am not with her, I eat meat. I am tired of hiding this from her and I want to be able to eat a cheeseburger in my house. How do I break the news to her and salvage our relationship?
Thirstin’ For Würstchen in Queens
A: Even though you didn’t ask me who was wrong in this situation, I am ready to assign blame. You are at no fault for lying, while your girlfriend is insane for being a vegetarian. Some nights I fall asleep hoping to wake up to total Armageddon, my family and friends gone forever, just so I can laugh as vegetarians starve themselves to further avoid engaging in the human experience.
From a health and wellness perspective, you might think vegetarianism is a great, healthy choice, but gustatory extremism is never safe. Imagine someone who only ate animal products. Eggs, milk and meat. Their heart would explode in a matter of months. And no other animal on the planet (maybe just because they don’t have hands) drinks the milk of another species. It’s totally gross and borderline freakish, especially when coupled with a breakfast of chicken periods (eggs). And contrary to the belief that milk is an excellent source of calcium, it actually contains so much excess protein that it raises the acidity level in our blood, requiring the bones to actually part with some of their calcium to neutralize this acid.
Okay, so it seems like I’m destroying my argument with my animal protein hate speech. But, think about vegetarians with their sallow, sunken eyes, stinky farts and asparagus infused urine. Even more disgusting than the disadvantages of meatatarianism, vegetarianism just isn’t natural. Zoology classifies animals as being carnivore, herbivore or omnivore. Humans are omnivores whether they like it or not. Check out this website that I didn’t even make up, which perfectly makes my point. Why do you think people are into vampires? It’s because there’s a vampyric instinct within us all to crave flesh for sustenance. It’s why my favorite movie is Once Bitten. Just as vampires, murderers and gay people say all the time, you can’t deny your true nature, vegans.
So, now that I’ve dropped all that mad knowledge on your ass, let me fix your problem. You say your lady doesn’t have a clue you are masquerading as a normal, omnivorous human being. So, ok, simply don’t tell her you’ve been cheating on her with Wendy for three years and just inform her that you’d “like to start eating meat again.” Tell her you are fine with her choice to be a vegetarian and you expect her to be equally understanding of your choice to devour flesh. After all, you manfully attempted not eating meat for three years and that (fake) sacrifice should force her into respecting your wishes. So, you can totally start eating steak and eggs with a side of bacon and a sweetbreads shake in your own home starting immediately and with little damage to your relationship, unless your girlfriend is one of those Nazi-like vegetarians who tries to impose their will on everyone around them. In that case, you should go to sleep tonight dreaming of Armageddon (or at least another tomato-salmonella outbreak). And, yes, this means I’m advocating the ironic death of your girlfriend.
Your friend in flesh consumption,